Eating Beans, The Gateway to Hell?

After the ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras put forth his mathematical theories, a cult group formed in his honor. The Pythagoreans practiced numeracy and vegetarianism. An offshoot (heh heh) of their beliefs was the notion that every bean on the planet contained in its embryo a human soul. For diagram of bean showing its embryo and metaphysical implications, click here: Imagine if each bean of every type– pinto, anasazi, kidney, lima, black, white, mung, navy, even soybeans–contained a human fetus. Vegetarians would waste away. And in America, on the fourth of July, with baked beans on the picnic table, we’d be celebrating Independence Day and committing mass abortion at the same time.

It gets even more complex if you consider that, Pythagoreans banned beans for other reasons: “they are like genitals (i.e. the beginnings of things), or the gates of Hades, or the number one (because they are unjointed), or the universe as a whole, or because they belong to an oligarchy (in that they were used as counting devices in an election by lot.)” Furthermore, “if anyone bit into a bean and crushed it in his teeth, then put the bean in the sun’s rays it would eventually smell like a murdered man.”* Could the eating of beans be construed in the following ways?

1. cunnilingus or felatio with a legume

2. a fast track to hell

3. the rejection of the U.S. Senate as an oligarchy

4. cannibalism by eating baked beans from Pyrex cooking ware

If you think we have problems with abortion protesters today, imagine what the canned beans aisle at Safeway would look like if the Pythagorean bean-cult theory held sway?   The checkout lines would be a nightmare.



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