Monthly Archives: April 2013

Eating Beans, The Gateway to Hell?

After the ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras put forth his mathematical theories, a cult group formed in his honor. The Pythagoreans practiced numeracy and vegetarianism. An offshoot (heh heh) of their beliefs was the notion that every bean on the planet contained in its embryo a human soul. For diagram of bean showing its embryo and metaphysical implications, click here: Imagine if each bean of every type– pinto, anasazi, kidney, lima, black, white, mung, navy, even soybeans–contained a human fetus. Vegetarians would waste away. And in America, on the fourth of July, with baked beans on the picnic table, we’d be celebrating Independence Day and committing mass abortion at the same time.

It gets even more complex if you consider that, Pythagoreans banned beans for other reasons: “they are like genitals (i.e. the beginnings of things), or the gates of Hades, or the number one (because they are unjointed), or the universe as a whole, or because they belong to an oligarchy (in that they were used as counting devices in an election by lot.)” Furthermore, “if anyone bit into a bean and crushed it in his teeth, then put the bean in the sun’s rays it would eventually smell like a murdered man.”* Could the eating of beans be construed in the following ways?

1. cunnilingus or felatio with a legume

2. a fast track to hell

3. the rejection of the U.S. Senate as an oligarchy

4. cannibalism by eating baked beans from Pyrex cooking ware

If you think we have problems with abortion protesters today, imagine what the canned beans aisle at Safeway would look like if the Pythagorean bean-cult theory held sway?   The checkout lines would be a nightmare.



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Murder in the Name of Religion

Before the nation state emerged around 1500, the killing done in the name of religion was simply that, murder sanctioned and sanctified by the Godly. In the Crusades, the Pope called on the “faithful” not nations to slaughter the “infidel.” On the way–in a delightful diversion– the Crusaders mass murdered Jews and Eastern Orthodox Christians, target practice for the big game of Islam. Nation states emerged approximately 400 years after the First Crusade. Church/state union prevailed in early modern England and France, much to the dismay of the Puritans and Huguenot (French Protestants) respectively. The problem with church/state union is that heresy becomes treason and vice versa! One of the most vicious wars in history, the 1618-1648 Thirty Years had Protestants and Catholics slaughtering each other, Christians killing Christians. Irony abounds! With time, the secular state began to trump the church. Henry VIII disobeyed the Pope over his right to divorce a Spanish Catholic queen and then created his own Royal church. Peter the Great made the Russian Orthodox Church his personal lackey. Most peoples of the modern world came to accept the secular nation state as a matter of course. One notable exception to this worldwide trend is the United States–the most backward modern nation in the world–where a vocal minority of Christian fundamentalists argues that America is a Christian nation. Hell, even the Pope came out for “evolution as more than a theory!”
*By the way it was nation states that give birth to liberalism, capitalism, socialism, fascism and all the other secular ideologies. These ideas are secular not religious in their origin. They can only be referred to as religious in a metaphorical sense not in any true sense.

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