Monthly Archives: November 2012

Bigfoot, Turner and the Frontier Thesis

Bigfoot, Turner and the Frontier Thesis by Paul Ewing

Dedicated to James Tillich, The Man Who  Never Existed

In 1893 Frederick Jackson Turner argued that the end of the American frontier was the most significant event in U.S. history.  Shortly thereafter, the first Bigfoot sighting occurred in a logging camp in the Mount Hood National Forest.

Why did Bigfoot choose to appear in 1903 before the applause to Turner’s speech had died down?  To get to the bottom of this mystery, a sasquatch anthropologist interviewed a smelly specimen just outside a wormhole near Still Creek Campground.

When asked, why he chose to appear when he did, Bigfoot answered:

Apparently, Bigfoot is the ultimate academic turf warrior. When Turner announced the “final frontier,” bigfoot took exception.  “These are my stompin’ grounds he said, as he stamped his foot emphatically!

Apparently, Bigfoot’s entire raison ‘d etre (he subscribes to a rationalist ontology) is, in fact,to prove Turner wrong!  In 1980, Paul Ewing encountered bigfoot at Still Creek Campground in the Mt. Hood National Forest.  Ewing screwed up his courage and confronted Sasquatch with the neo-Turnerian-Bigfoot thesis. Sasquatch stomped his feet, clearedhis throat with several harumphing sounds and said the following:

To see video previews of  this encounter click on:

Last but not least is the Ewing thesis, a real ontological hair-raiser.  Ewing argues, clearing his throat–ahem–that Paul Ewing is Bigfoot. And Bigfoot is Paul Ewing.  All pantheists would agree, right?  Perceptual realists chime in too; “What you see is what you get.”. When you look into the Bigfoot, the Bigfoot looks into you. The following picture, to Ewing, is “smoking gun evidence” that his thesis is accurate:

“There is a Yeti in the back of everyone’s mind; only the blessed are not haunted by it.”

–an old Sherpa


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James Tillich’s Concession Speech, U.S. Presidential Election of 2012

James Tillich’s Concession Speech, U.S. Presidential Election of 2012 (complete transcript)  by Paul Ewing, November 7, 2012 at 5:00 a.m. Arizona time 

 Four score and seven minutes ago I officially conceded the 2012 U.S. Presidential election. Mr. Obama, Congratulations! You won it fair and square. I didn’t have a chance. You all knew that. But I am far from bitter about the outcome. This is not my swan song. This is my STRATEGY (crowd murmurs). The NPA threw my hat into the ring this year for higher stakes next time. In four years I will campaign for PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD! (applause). My mission in 2020 will be to run for SUPREME COMMANDER OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM (loud applause). And in 2024, with Captain Kirk and the Prime Directive as our guide, the Nihilist Party of America will rocket to farthest reaches of the galaxy. Twelve years from 2012, I will campaign for [Lengthy pause] MASTER OF THE MILKY WAY AND THE UNIVERSE! (crowd goes wild for two minutes).


More important than all of the above is my deepest gratitude to each and every one of you for your attendance, participation, and creative contributions. My bottomless, non-existent heart thanks you. From where being ends and nothingness begins, I remain…Never Yours…James Tillich, The Man Who Never Existed. Tillich out!

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Does Occupy Wall Street Mark the Beginning of a New Progressive Era? No.

First there was the Gilded Age and then the Roaring Twenties. Following both of these periods of gonzo capitalism and predominantly Republican presidential leadership, there emerged progressive movements advocating reform.  The Reagan years too were a time when government gave big business carte blanche, unrestricted power. Now we see in Occupy Wall Street the rise of yet another progressive movement. Whether it’s the Gilded Age, the Roaring Twenties or Reagonomics, a major consequence of big business gone wild is what economists call a gross disparity of wealth. Essentially, the “haves” get far more and the “have-nots” get far less. I think it’s accurate to say that America’s current gross disparity of wealth is the worst of the three “gilded ages.” So the question is, does the Occupy Wall Street movement mark the beginning of a new Progressive Era? I doubt it. The spoiler is the Supreme Court’s recent decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the decision that recognizes American corporations as individuals and allows them to contribute unlimited amounts of money to American elections. American corporations have not had that much political influence for over 100 years, not since the days of Teddy Roosevelt. Citizens United will trump the efforts of both grass roots movements, Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street alike. Actually Citizens United trumps democracy itself.  Could the irony of a case’s name be any more Supreme?

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